Sep 12, 2013
A friend to ask if I'm ok
A friend to give me a smile each day
A friend who will take me out for a walk
A friend who will listen if I just want to talk
A friend that says 'I love you just as you are'
A friend that says 'I'll do anything to just make you laugh'
A friend who's reassuring when I'm scared of today
A friend who's got stories when I've nothing to say
A friend who remembers that I hate the cold
A friend who will keep the secrets I've told
A friend to remind me to eat something good
A friend to make jokes about 'Emily would!'

I'm very blessed to look and see
That I have each and every of the friends that I need.
Sep 9, 2013
The only lasting side effect at this stage seems to be fatigue, I'm sleeping early, sleeping in, and napping frequently most days.

There are other things happening in my world, big things, exciting things, all the things... It just seems that the greyness supersedes it all for some reason. 
Sep 6, 2013

When I'm feeling okay (like I do right now), it's difficult for me to fathom that I have recently felt so terrible. I think 'that's ridiculous! Of course life is worth living! Of course there are reasons to smile and people who love me! I'm not alone! What on earth was I so worried about?'

It's nice, to feel so certain of the goodness in life, but of course the flip side is that it's exactly the same when I'm down; when I feel depressed, it's impossible to take seriously the times like now where I feel calm and happy. When I feel depressed, it's impossible to see hope.

But right now, it's almost impossible to see despair.

It's a strange old life we're living.
Live it - No matter how strange.
Sep 4, 2013
And the beast is back.

I'm pretty tired of this battle. All of my energy is focused on fighting rock-bottom moods, panic attacks, errant thoughts, constant fears. To get out of bed, say 'good morning' to my housemates and make eye-contact with myself in the mirror, willing myself to feel hopeful about the day, is enough to send me back to bed, exhausted. Some mornings I have done that.
I am trying, though, but I can't predict what each day will bring, and it's taking its toll on everything, most recently uni. This semester might have to go on hiatus because I just can't work, and while I feel a little more at ease at the thought of study no longer hanging over my head, there's this voice that follows me around.

'Failure,' it says.

'You don't work, you don't even volunteer anymore or go out or do anything, and you still couldn't keep up with three measly subjects. Not like your housemates, who work and study and are involved with endless other activities and still manage good results. You're incapable, you're a failure, you can't do it. What good are you really? How do you ever hope to make a difference if you can't even write an essay? How will anyone ever love you when all you do is nothing? You're a failure, and no one wants that; no one wants you, you're just taking up space.'

I don't think I'd exactly worked out those thoughts until writing them... But there they are. As a response, here is what I got up to today:

• Got out of bed! Yay!
• Drove to the shops. What an achievement.
• Organised the shit out of the pantry. Yeaaah.
• Pulled up as many weeds as I could find in the 'garden'. Made so many analogies to life as I did so.
• Cleaned the toilets and bathroom. Gee they get gross.
• Had myself a nap. Unintentional.
• Tried organising some 'what the hell am I doing with uni!?' stuff, to no avail.
• Tidied the back room.

Well, I'm sure I'm not quite a failure... But I don't think that voice is going to leave any time soon...
Sep 1, 2013

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Just trying to figure this whole thing out and getting it wrong along the way.
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