Oct 16, 2013
For me, depression does not mean that I can't see the light; every day I search for it and find it.
It means that the light doesn't seem to shine on anything else right now.

It does not mean that I am not grateful and blessed with what I have, for I know that I have much, and I am thankful.
It means that what I have feels wasted, because I do not enjoy it as I know I should.

It does not mean that I think I am worthless; indeed I've spent years discovering my infinite worth.
It means that every day, I see my potential wasted, I see my dreams by the wayside, and I see my achievements clouded by 'so what?'.

It does not mean that I always focus on negative things; it has been a strict discipline in my life to seek joy, to look on the bright side.
It means that fearful thoughts attack me from all sides at once, waking and sleeping, crowding and overtaking me with their sheer insistence.

It does not mean that everything is grey, in varying shades of black or white.
It means that colours don't inspire me or excite me anymore; they just add to the overwhelming environment around me.

It does not mean that I can't get out of bed or off the couch; I do spend much of my time there.
It means that I can't find a good enough reason to get up and go.

It doesn't mean that I don't know what to do, or that I'm punishing myself by limiting creative pursuits.
It means that there's nothing I want to do; even the things I used to love most have lost their appeal and it all looks like chores.

It does not mean that I have lost faith in God; I can hear His whispers of 'trust me' when I call upon Him.
It means that I have lost faith in fairytales and happy endings.

It does not mean that I want to kill myself, or that I have a morbid preoccupation with death.
It means that being both alive and awake is a battle I choose to face every day.

It does not mean that I think I will never get better.
It means that seeing that time and place is impossible, and I'm so fucking tired of waiting around.
Oct 6, 2013
Before you embark on a journey of self-discovery, I urge you this one thing:

Love yourself. Unconditionally.

Because as you journey, you may come across things in your heart you did not expect. In your heart you may find boundless joy and thankfulness, but it is likely you may also find in your heart pain, anger, guilt, fear. You may find any number of weaknesses and any number of broken pieces of your heart. These pieces are the most difficult to share; what we give those pieces to someone, only to have the pieces returned with disgust and judgement?

This is why we must first love ourselves. With all our brokenness and regret and mistakes – love.

When you decide to love yourself no matter what you do or discover, you will find it easier to share the dark places in your heart with someone else.

If they give back the pieces you shared, what does it matter now? Because you know how to hold those pieces; you can keep yourself safe and loved until you find others you can trust to share your heart with.

When you love yourself, even through all your brokenness, you can love others through theirs. How great to be given the honour of holding another's pain or fear and yet to still say "I love you"?

I urge you once again: love yourself. You are worth the greatest price that has ever been paid – it is finished.
Love yourself every day. Love the dark places. Let love shine in and you will know that not only are you loved, you are so worth loving.

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Just trying to figure this whole thing out and getting it wrong along the way.
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